Allison Unfiltered

Soul Coaching: Energy Zappers and Juicers

Day 10, hello.  I liked today's assignment(s).  Level one was to list the things that zap your energy.  Level two, because it's more intense and time-consuming, was to list the things that juice up your energy.

Well, color me surprised.  I started level two and had to force myself to stop.  And all this time I've been thinking I was Tuesday's Child: full of woe.  That right there was a superjuicer all on its own.

Zappers:

• small talk
• crowds
• wasteful people/actions
• thinking about things I need to do or haven't done yet
• not seeing the sun or moon
• eating after a workout
• meetings that don't get anywhere
• when people ask me if I've been published or when I will be
• shopping
• cloudy skies

Juicers:

• yoga
• reading
• blogging
• writing emotional stories
• connecting with someone I think is cool
• watching CK, Leah, or Colin sleep
• having a neat desk or night stand
• dreaming about possibilities
• going to an event where I have something in common with people (grad school, book club, yoga retreat, hippie festivals)
• unexpectedly seeing wildlife
• getting to stay in a hotel room
• watching a live performance
• lighting the candle/incense on my altar
• breathing fresh air
• leaving the house (no, seriously)
• wrapping myself and my toes in a blanket on cold days
• spooning
• afternoon summer thunderstorms
• trying a new recipe
• sore muscles the day after working out
• having a real conversation

Getting a little personal

Okay -- this soul coaching thing?  Getting a little too personal.  Today's day 8, the first day with the element of water, and we thought about turning points in our lives and the resulting emotions.

The turning point I chose didn't actually get chosen.  It chose me -- or, rather, it jumped out of my dark past screaming, daggers flying, eyeballs blazing and wild hair streaming out, threatening to pull me down into a black abyss. 

Drama much? 

Seriously, I was thinking about my first semester at Gallaudet.  I've got scars and wounds from that experience that have yet to heal, which is kinda significant, considering that it was 10 years ago.  It wasn't all bad -- I'm sure every freshman goes through a few horrors, and to the outsider, it looked like I was doing okay, even for someone who couldn't (wouldn't?) get her butt to class. 

Looking back now, I'm amazed at the impact it had on me and the emotions it brings up in me -- clearly volatile ones, since I can't even bring myself to get very specific here, and this is a site where I've happily plastered pictures of my spawn's face and my dog's diarrhea online for the whole world to see, not to mention made numerous references to my vagina. 

Scary.  Scary that my first experience of college has had such an profound impact I still have trouble finding words to describe it because my emotions overwhelm me.

But I guess that's why Denise put this affirmation in her book: "I unconditionally accept my feelings... and what I feel is not who I am."

When I first read this affirmation, I thought of a dear friend of mine who has a co-worker from another country.  This co-worker has some pretty mysogynistic habits, and my friend was struggling not to think of this unsavory trait in connection with his foreignness.  "I don't like feeling this way; I'm not that kind of person.  I'm not a racist," she said.  And she really isn't... but when she was feeling these things it was hard for her not to connect herself with those emotions.

But I guess that's not the only way these affirmations work. 

The things that happened in my first semester always make me question my self-worth and my intelligence.  I did some dumb, crazy things.  If it were any other first-time college student fresh out of the parents' nest, I'd be more forgiving.  But it was me, and every time I think about that time in my life, those crippling emotions and self-judgments jump out of the past and make themselves comfortable in my present.

So today I thought a little bit more about that semester, and I think from here on in, I'm gonna be a little bit more forgiving of myself... even when I still think I'm crazy.

Day 7: Why Are You Here?

Our assignment was to begin thinking about our soul's mission. I'd add an explanation here, but I kinda like leaving this photo-composite without comment... except to say that the woman is representative of a warrior, and that I don't necessarily aspire to her long-tressed, bikini-waxed, fantastical physical ideal.  *ahem*

Soul Coaching, Day 6: Jumping in

The assignment for today was called "Zen Teacup," in which we take 15 minutes to unclutter our minds, which kinda sucked because I woke up thinking about the huge to-do list that I left untouched yesterday and determined to put a serious dent in it. 

How the heck anyone can be as productive as I hoped to be while cleaning out their heads is beyond me. 

But I've promised myself I'd be both open and forgiving, so to heck with it.  Today was a balmy 72 degrees, so I flung my windows open, and got to work.  For every to-do that I did, I tried to think about breathing and the  other affirmation Jamie had given us today: "I'm making room for magic in my life."

I didn't know lying to yourself could be so much bliss.   I did a bunch of things I don't usually do, like going out back to the playground with Leah and Colin and deciding to just enjoy the moment. 

Who knew a bunch of first-graders could be so judgmental?  But then again, it's not every day you see your friend's mama rolling around in the leaves with her camera, dragged around by a pint-size dog who desperately wants to bitch-slap a moth.

It was transcendental, almost better than the meditation I did to fulfill my assignment.  I should roll around in the dirt more often.
P.S.  The Peace quote is from the Acacia catalog, which I've fallen in love with, prices notwithstanding.

My Altar

or, as CK called it last night because I had incense burning in a room with windows and doors shut: My Drug Den.

I've always wanted an altar -- just a place where I collect things that represent what I hold sacred in my life.  With this book group I'm belatedly beginning to participate in and the book we're reading, Soul Coaching, I finally have the little nudge to do it.  It's a work in progress, of course, just like my life.

I've also incorporated the four elements - to the East is incense: air; to the South a white candle in a red holder: fire; to the West, amethyst: water; to the North, wood, green turquoise, malachite, and iron pyrite: earth.

Above the poster of Saraswati (a birthday gift from a dear friend and Sivananda yogini) also happens to be a photocollage of me at various moments during my adolescence with lots of my favorite people, and how perfect is it that the only place I could find to put my altar was on top of a bookshelf?!