Living La Vida Alpo

Netflix: Welcome to QueenAlpo's shitlist... again.

So on Friday, the dumbtards over at Netflix decide to blog, defending their lameass refusal to provide equal access to captions for their streaming videos.  (No apology, no acknowledgment of the customers they're denying, no nothing.)

I've blogged about my love/hate relationship with Netflix before -- on one hand, they've got all the indie movies and obscure foreign movies I want.  Their weakling competitor, Blockbuster, offers similar services, but I've no desire to switch.  (And no, THEY don't caption their OnDemand streaming vids, either.  Damn.  If they did... hello, mass exodus!)

On the other hand, not only does Netflix not even bother acknowledging that some people would like to, y'know, understand the freaking things they download, their former splinter production company, Red Envelope Entertainment, produced indies like Sherrybaby (with one of my crushes, Maggie Gyllenhaal -- sooo hot) doesn't caption even their movies -- even on DVD.

So, clearly, this isn't a company that cares that much.  Only in recent days, with a twittest (twitter/protest -- ha! I keeel me!) spearheaded by people like @MarleeMatlin, have the people at Netflix bothered to even acknowledge that maybe, possibly, giving a shit about their own services might be a teeny tiny bit important.

And yes, vulgarity completely necessary.  Netflix's weak response on their blog: Well, most people don't want captions on their movies, and it takes us forever to add a second stream, so we're working on something else.  Give us, what, a year?  Mmmkay?

My ass.

It took them this long to even acknowledge it.  I first started e-mailing them about the lack of subtitles/captions three -- count them, three -- years ago and never once got a response, nor did anyone else I know who e-mailed them.

I'm not the only one this pissed at the company that feeds my movie fetish.  Jamie Berke blogged today, noting the impatience of Netflix consumers online, both deaf and hearing.

If the deaf community is upset now, just wait until a year from now if Netflix doesn't keep its announced commitment. Meanwhile, the issue is actually broader than just Netflix! We need legislation to mandate captions on the Internet. To promote THAT objective as well as the Netflix objective and helping Hulu to expand their captioning, a companion Facebook group has been set up with a discussion board: Internet Captioning.

Check it out... not only is she more calm and rational than I, there's good info on there.

Meanwhile, you bet your ass I'm gonna be sitting here fuming about my money funneling into Netflix's pockets while they continue to screw me over, telling me it's a cool thing that I'm paying for: something I can't watch.

Patience, thy name is IMPOSSIBLE

Whenever I see a film made via stop-action I have to stop and stare.  Because, dude, do you know how much work that is?  You take a picture, move something half an inch, take another picture, move it again, take another fucking picture, move -- OH MY GOD my soul is jittering out of my ears in protest just typing this.

The people who made this?  Superheroes. 



And yes, those really are just post-it notes.

Wanna see how they did it? Gah. Sit on your ass and look how much other people are willing to spend months of their lifetime moving pieces of paper around on a wall so that other people can sit on their ass and stare.

Caution - hip-grinding may induce a giggle fit.

I'm running around the house like crazy this morning, feeding a sick guy and fending off the "Time for lunch!" chants of a really annoying seven-year-old, yelling at the dog for scratching at the door and then refusing to go outside in the rain, getting laundry ready and forgetting that I left the water boiling when I hear: "HAHAHAHA HAA HEEE HEE!" at a volume that would defeat the deadest of ears.

Leah's standing in front of the TV jumping and giggling.  When I came downstairs, it was Spongebob playing, and she tried to tell me something about being sad about a big dog going boom. 

I didn't really pay attention, because you know what?  Spongebob is aces, but a big dog go boom?  I couldn't give a flying fuck if I tried. (In retrospect, she was watching Beethoven yesterday -- maybe that's the big booming dog?)

But she giggles again and says, "Funny!"

I walk over and find this on the screen.  Yeah, funny all right.  Just about everyone in there needs a makeover.  *ahem*  What the hell?! 

The aliens are coming!

Saw this trailer for Planet 51 while at the movies last night.  Made me laugh.  And made me so glad I'm not in a cultural studies program anymore, lest I analyze the postcolonial possibilities to the point I get all upset and depressed I can't watch a frickin' cartoon for the hell of it...

Open thread: Discovering Shuktara Trailer

Thoughts?

Chick flicks can kiss my hiney.

I made a huge boo-boo last night and went to see He's Just Not That Into You.  

I should've known this would be a huge mistake -- I mean, hello?  Newly separated woman, chick flick?  Add in some hormones and a few wayward thoughts about relationships and you've got a recipe for an emotional breakdown.

Seriously, it was an okay movie, not the best as chick flicks go.  It was neat to see an ensemble cast, although I thought Jennifer Aniston and Gennifer Goodwin were the clear standouts.

One good point I thought the movie made, though: people give way too much relationship advice.  And 99.9% of the time, they're pulling it out of their asses.

And I guess one other thing I liked was that not every character ended up living together happily ever after.  Finally, a little, teeny, tiny smidgen of reality makes it to Hollywood.

There's another chick flick I thought was better done than He's Just Not That Into You: The Women.  This one's a bit of a rarity 'cause the writing's smart enough and doesn't pander to the usual he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not formula that HJNTIY does... plus it's GUY-FRIENDLY!  I know, 'cause I watched it with a guy who laughed at all the appropriate moments, so there. 

And oh, feminist shame of mine, it wasn't until the movie was over that the aforementioned guy said, "You realize there weren't any men in that movie?"

Holy crap.  He's right.  A totally funny movie, entertaining all the way through, and you never saw a male face.  But then again, since 4 out of the 5 female leads were all freaking out over what to do about their idiot men (Jada Pinkett was the token black lezbo. Oh, joy... although her anorexic model girlfriend was a hoot), it didn't really feel like there were no men.  No male bodies, sure, but men were definitely present.  Le sigh.

Alas... the search for a feel-good chick flick that doesn't revolve around finding the beefcake love of your life while surrounded by hot girlfriends continues.

Non-girly non-tomboys everywhere rejoice

Beezus and Ramona is being made into a movie.  About freakin' time.

Joey King will be Ramona, and Selena Gomez, who I secretly think is effing cute and talented even though she comes from the gag-worthy Disney stable of little starlets, will play her older sister Beezus. 

Movie's due out in the spring of 2010.  I'm already dying waiting for the next Harry Potter. Agh.

Venus Video... ooh, pretty.

While gathering links for my previous post, I came across this video (NSFW again, I'm on a nude kick, I guess), thanks to Reverse Cowgirl's gushing.

It's called "Headache," and is clearly working off the Venus de Milo trope. It's serenely beautiful and yet a little disturbing. 

Or maybe that's just me -- I really, really, really can't stand the idea of feet touching me.

But anyway, it's mesmerizing.   And long.  I think it's on a loop or something. 

I can just imagine this piece projected on the wall, playing endlessly at some artsy fartsy event and annoying the hell out of people 'cause they're trying not to look at the boobs or where the hands and feet are going... or going batshit every time the strings hit that high tweening note.

Go see.

Penelope Passes!

Penelope passes the Bechdel Movie Test!

Penelope (Ricci) and her mother (O'Hara) appear together in some scenes and Penelope and Annie (Witherspoon) appear together in others.

Granted, the mother-daughter dialogue often centers around getting pretty enough to snag a hubby, but the Annie and Penelope scenes -- thank Goddess -- don't.

I prefer to think of this as a family fairy tale movie, but I know just because the main character is a girl in search of love, it might get cast as a chick flick. 

Even so, it's so refreshing to realize even romances can pass this anti-female-objectification test.  There is hope!

Even better -- Penelope was produced by Reese Witherspoon, who gave TeenHollywood.com an awesome interview on the subject of female characters in film.  She even gets bonus points from me for mentioning Sarah Polley's directorial effort (and working with the amazing Julie Christie, no less) on Away from Her.

A-ha! Yet another way to ruin the movies I watch.

A couple weeks ago, we went on a family trip to see Wall-E.  Totally aww-licious. 

Definitely family friendly, and yet as the adult whose general enjoyment of life has forever been ruined by graduate school, I was still able to enjoy the apparent take-away messages about protecting our environment and staying tuned into actual living (as opposed to couch potato coasting). 

Like Ampersand, I was also irritated by the switcheroo the film pulled: a movie about giggle-inducing robots turned into a movie about annoying-yet-endearing humans about three-quarters of the way through.  But go figure.  Like the earlier Twentieth Century/Blue Sky Studios film Robots, I wanted to strangle somebody over the portrayal of gender in a robot movie. 

Newsflash: robots are machines.   They do not have genitalia, nor are they "raised" or "constructed" in a pink-means-girl and blue-means-boy environment.  Sheesh.  Have our brains really mushed up that much?

So, anyway, at least Wall-E is being a bit more forthcoming in a gender-criticism way: a movie about a masculine bot and a feminine bot ends up zooming in on helpless humans shaped by a larger system.  But then I read the rest of Ampersand's critique (some spoilers within), and found so much more to think about: the portrayal of fat, gender, and race.  If only we could all think this critically about the things we're asked to consume mindlessly (and, apparently, harmlessly).

But the best thing I gotta thank Ampersand for is bringing my attention to the Bechdel Movie test:  the rule, originally passed on by someone named Liz Wallace, is that the only movies worth watching are the ones in which

1. there are at least two female characters
2. who talk to each other
3. about something other than men.

Ouch.  Seriously, take a moment to think about that.  Ooh, like a punch to the gut.  How many blockbusters pass that test?  Says a lot about us and what we spend our money, time, and brainpower on, doesn't it?