Living La Vida Alpo: Negligent mama

I let Leah spend the night at a friend's house before her first day of school. Exciting times! Fun! Whoo!

Leah's been on a gazillion trips this summer, which means she's earned her official Diploma of Bag Packing. Usually I can just tell her to go pack a bag and we'll be out the door. She came downstairs as I was getting ready to take her to her friend's, and I asked: "underwear?"

Check.

"Toothbrush?"

Check.

"Shirt and shorts?"

Check. Rolling eyes.

"Shoes?"

Check. Impatient sigh.

"No, I mean shoes that TIE."

Check, accompanied by a look that says: MOM, YOU'RE BEING BOTARDED AND PARANOID AND DELUSIONAL. AGAIN. NOW STOP IT.

So we were all good and I dropped her off, no problem. Off to work the next day, excited about meeting her bus and hearing all about her first day at her new school. Sat in the parking lot with other jittery parents, and the big yellow bus rolls up, YAYYY! There's my little girl! There's my boy! How was school? Did you have fun? Did you make new friends? All that yuppie hipster soccer mom/dad crap.

Yeah right. Not in MY life.

Leah hops off the bus, and my head jumps off my body.

LEAH RAIN, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING?!

I swear to you, internet elves, I did not know my daughter was capable of dressing like that. Like THAT. I can't even describe it, I can only point at the screen as I type -- THAT. My daughter wore THAT.

And I am such a horrible mother I could only stand there with a smile frozen on my face, absolutely, positively sure the other parents were giggling and pointing at the dumb young mama who didn't know better than to dress her daughter in more than three square inches of fabric. Hello, junior high.

I've seen women -- grown women who make a living shaking their booty, that is -- wear hot pants before, but who knew shorts with a negative inseam existed?

I'd post a picture, but then I'd feel guilty and icky about posting it and I'd have to pixelate her entire body.

Now, that's just asking for way too much future karmic debt. Not to mention the therapist bills for her someday: "So tell me, why are you here today?"

"Oh, because I was raised by this crazy woman who blogged about my life peppered with the word 'fuck' and posted pictures of me that she had to censor. But it's okay, she did it out of love."

That's right, future Leah. I did it out of love. Because when you go to school wearing THAT, love you is all I can do, my precious darling.

Comments

You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

Dadblastit...I'm curious!! Post an adult version of this pic!! (as in an adult is wearing a similar outfit, not X-rated!) Ok, enough with the exclamation points. Post a pic, please?

Posted by: CarioCgl | September 09, 2009 at 12:56 PM