My cochlear implant was turned on four days ago, and I can't hear a fucking thing.
There, now. Those of you who've been politely bugging me the last few days, take that update and sit on it.
Took Momsie and CK and a camera -- aka the QueenAlpo entourage (taking applications now! Hurry, while space lasts!) -- all the way down to Bethesda and sat in an office with two audiologists for a little more than an hour, which consisted pretty much of:
"It's on now, can you hear anything?"
"No."
"There'll be beeping now. Let us know if you get uncomfortable. ... Is it too loud?"
"Huh?"
"Do you hear the beeping?"
"No."
"How about now?"
"No."
"Now?"
"NO!"
"Okay, I'm gonna say the words shoe, hot dog, and ice cream cone. You tell me which one I'm saying."
"Ok."
"Hot dog."
"Shoe?"
"Ice cream cone."
"Shoe?"
"Ice cream cone."
"Ummm... Shoe?"
"That's fine, it's gonna take a little time. Wear the processor as much as you can without the hearing aid. That's the only way your brain will get used to it. We know it's working. Just give it some time. If you're too uncomfortable outside the office, give us a call and we'll help turn it down."
"Okay, but seriously, nothing's happening."
"Normal. Just give it time."
FYI: the next person who tells me to "give it some time" is gonna get an arse-kicking so wicked they'll be able to hear my plaintive "shoe's" through their butthole. I'm not that mean, though. I'll be standing by with some tissue, don't worry.
So. Yeah. No hearing miracles going on here. That's okay, I knew this implant thing was gonna be a long haul. And I'd been advised by other recipients to not have any expectations. And I guess I kindasorta didn't, except when it became clear I wasn't gonna be Cochlear's next star recruit, I started getting irritated with all the hearing people who wanted to know the wonders of my activation experience.
Which makes my decision to go to a pizza party at Leah's school that afternoon a real dumb one. Teachers, parents, paraeducators and advocates, all hearing, all very excited about the thing stuck on my head. "Oh, that's just for the first few days. Soon you'll be SOOO happy you got it!!"
Really? Wanna bet? How about YOU go be deaf all your life, and then YOU go get your head sliced open and drilled into, and THEN you come and tell me just how gol'dang happy I'll be? No? Aw? Not joining my club? Not even if I share my cookies? Fuck you then.
The one-point-five things I AM able to sense is this awful dizziness. Vicodin kind of dizziness. And if I'm to be optimistic about anything, it's that over the last four days, this dizziness has seemed to gradually sync with the noises around me.
We went out to lunch after activation, and on the way there, I was sitting innocently next to CK, waiting for my "Ephphatha, I can hear!" moment, when suddenly some phantom asshole sitting in the backseat thought it'd be funny to grab a fistful of my hair and headbang me for 15 seconds... until we turned into the parking lot.
Holy fucking turn signal.
And then CK said something to me. I know this because I suddenly tasted metal, like I'd been sucking on an old penny. So I looked up, and asked, "Did you say something? I tasted it."
Good golly. No wonder every single fucking kid in Leah's program these days has an implant. It's just a sheer joyride, and sooooo worth it. *sucks another penny*
On that note, have a nice day, and fuck y'all. The sound of my typing is making the floor tilt under my ass.