Activation Day... four days later

My cochlear implant was turned on four days ago, and I can't hear a fucking thing.

There, now.  Those of you who've been politely bugging me the last few days, take that update and sit on it.

Took Momsie and CK and a camera -- aka the QueenAlpo entourage (taking applications now! Hurry, while space lasts!) -- all the way down to Bethesda and sat in an office with two audiologists for a little more than an hour, which consisted pretty much of:

"It's on now, can you hear anything?"

"No."

"There'll be beeping now. Let us know if you get uncomfortable.   ... Is it too loud?"

"Huh?"

"Do you hear the beeping?"

"No."

"How about now?"

"No."

"Now?"

"NO!"

"Okay, I'm gonna say the words shoe, hot dog, and ice cream cone.  You tell me which one I'm saying."

"Ok."

"Hot dog."

"Shoe?"

"Ice cream cone."

"Shoe?"

"Ice cream cone."

"Ummm... Shoe?"

"That's fine, it's gonna take a little time.  Wear the processor as much as you can without the hearing aid.  That's the only way your brain will get used to it.  We know it's working.  Just give it some time.  If you're too uncomfortable outside the office, give us a call and we'll help turn it down."

"Okay, but seriously, nothing's happening."

"Normal.  Just give it time."

FYI: the next person who tells me to "give it some time" is gonna get an arse-kicking so wicked they'll be able to hear my plaintive "shoe's" through their butthole.  I'm not that mean, though.  I'll be standing by with some tissue, don't worry.

So.  Yeah.  No hearing miracles going on here.  That's okay, I knew this implant thing was gonna be a long haul.  And I'd been advised by other recipients to not have any expectations.  And I guess I kindasorta didn't, except when it became clear I wasn't gonna be Cochlear's next star recruit, I started getting irritated with all the hearing people who wanted to know the wonders of my activation experience.

Which makes my decision to go to a pizza party at Leah's school that afternoon a real dumb one.  Teachers, parents, paraeducators and advocates, all hearing, all very excited about the thing stuck on my head.  "Oh, that's just for the first few days.  Soon you'll be SOOO happy you got it!!"

Really?  Wanna bet?  How about YOU go be deaf all your life, and then YOU go get your head sliced open and drilled into, and THEN you come and tell me just how gol'dang happy I'll be?  No? Aw?  Not joining my club?  Not even if I share my cookies?  Fuck you then.

The one-point-five things I AM able to sense is this awful dizziness.  Vicodin kind of dizziness.  And if I'm to be optimistic about anything, it's that over the last four days, this dizziness has seemed to gradually sync with the noises around me. 

We went out to lunch after activation, and on the way there, I was sitting innocently next to CK, waiting for my "Ephphatha, I can hear!" moment, when suddenly some phantom asshole sitting in the backseat thought it'd be funny to grab a fistful of my hair and headbang me for 15 seconds... until we turned into the parking lot.

Holy fucking turn signal. 

And then CK said something to me.  I know this because I suddenly tasted metal, like I'd been sucking on an old penny.  So I looked up, and asked, "Did you say something?  I tasted it."

Good golly.  No wonder every single fucking kid in Leah's program these days has an implant.  It's just a sheer joyride, and sooooo worth it. *sucks another penny*

On that note, have a nice day, and fuck y'all.  The sound of my typing is making the floor tilt under my ass.

Comments

[Lady V]

Howling with laughter at this:

"Really? Wanna bet? How about YOU go be deaf all your life, and then YOU go get your head sliced open and drilled into, and THEN you come and tell me just how gol'dang happy I'll be? No? Aw? Not joining my club? Not even if I share my cookies? Fuck you then."

[Kelly]

I know what you mean! I was activated about 2 months ago and the first 2-3 weeks were just AWFUL!!!!

Hearing people seem to think that it's such an easy thing to do and that you'll understand everything immediately when that's so far from the truth.

[tate]

This was a great entry. Hope you can hear soon! *that sounds so weird, coming from me*.....but that's the whole purpose. Right?

[Bill]

We hearing peeps KNOW it's easy! House MD got a deaf boy CI activated and mapped in one hour!)

[queenalpo]

@Bill: Rawr. It's a good thing I like you, or that arse-kicking I mentioned? All yours with a pretty little bow on top. :-D

@tate: No. Oh, no. NOOO! That's not the purpose of getting the implant! Duh, you.

The whole point of it is to join the growing CI community until we outnumber the true deafies and thus take over the universe. Yeah. That, and a wire hanging from my head? Uber-sexy.

See? Clear now? Good.

[Nabeel]

Oh crap, now I'm worried...

[Lara]

OMG wouldn't it be SO cool if you had Synesthaesia?!?!? But we just never knew it cause you couldn't hear before, but NOW we'll find out you taste words! :P

[Nabeel]

Hey, did you wear hearing aids everyday all your life before getting the implant??

My audie told me that the only reason I was an eligible candidate for the CI was that I wore HAs all my life to keep my auditory nerve simulated. I wonder if you're not hearing anything now because your auditory nerve hasn't been simulated and needs time to process the sounds before you can actually hear them?

Oops, I said "needs more time" ... feel free to kick my arse. I have no doubt you are a hard arse-kicker, so it's a good thing I've been working out a lot lately :)

[queenalpo]

@Nabeel... yep, hearing aid addict here since the age of 18 months. When I run outta batteries, national emergency and all that. :-)

I was told the same thing -- hearing aids, plus cueing, plus actually being able to recognize some words/sounds in an open set when tested. Don't forget everyone's experience is different; looking forward to hearing what yours is like!

[Rob]

Tasting what you hear. What an absolutely scary thought. It sounds almost as if they snipped, conjoined and/or bypassed the wrong synaptic, sensory nerves!?

[Rob]

"CI = An acquired taste" is another scary thought.

Don't give up. Methinks it would be very cool to be able to listen to a new Madonna album "for the very first time" and not have to use printed lyrics as a guide.

[erin]

*grins* now i have another person that can relate.

[Tiffany]

Hey Queen.. You are awesome to post this. I sent you an email.. I need this laugh.. I really did. I am tasting that metal too.

You are so refreshing because everywhere I look on other activation moments from other blogs I see alot of " I could hear the words.. wierd sounding but words!!!" and there I am yelling at my computer " AHHHH not another one..Give me a fucking break.. I am not getting words!!!!!!" So thank you.