A boob-sling farewell parade

That's right, elves.  I just flashed you an eyeful of brassiere.  Whoocha!  But because I left my chest outta this pic, I figure odds are good I won't be getting any private admonishments.  (Kinda like I did when I blogged about turning on my implant for the first time.  Apparently I'm not allowed to say the word "fuck" on my own blog.)  It's all good, yep.  Fuckin' good.

Wanted to round them up one last time before they all go bye-bye.  'Cause I no longer fit into them. 

Right again, elves!  I did it.  I chopped off my ta-tas.

So they're a bit smaller.  Actually, they're half the size they used to be, but I guess my boobs were so big before I could have them halved and still have so much left over that no one notices.  Not until I tell them, "Oh, I had plastic surgery last friday." 

See, it's my favorite new game, 'cause then I get to stare people in the face and watch them writhe, trying to keep chatting without letting their eyeballs slide down my chest.  I'm watching you, perverts. 

It's kinda too bad, though.  So far no one's had the guts to go right ahead and look.  Which is kinda weird, don't you think?  I mean, when someone says, "HEY!  LOOK!  I WANT SOME ATTENTION BECAUSE I AM EXPLICITLY TELLING YOU FOR NO DAMN REASON AT ALL THAT I PAID SOMEONE TO STICK A KNIFE IN MY CHEST," it's kinda rude to look in her eyes and say, "Oh,really?  Cool!"  Right?!  Riiight.

I take that back.  You're not perverts.  You're fuckwads.

So last I checked, my skin around the sutures was green and blistering over, and my sides are still a deep plum purple.  My boobs themselves are hard as rocks and swelling up so far I'm afraid I look like a neckless person, and I can't feel a damn thing anywhere except right in my nipples, which is kinda irritating 'cause the doc kept flicking them and asking, "Can you feel that?  How about that?"  YES OH YES OH MY GOD STOP TOUCHING THE FUCKING THINGS, I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH YOU GOT PAID, YOU DIRTY OLD MAN!

The only thing I'd change?  Scheduling it a wee bit more than the unbelievably dumb three days I had before starting a new job.  And discovering my favorite coffee machine in the world with coffee pods located exactly a foot above my head where reaching up for a bit of nirvana meant risking ripping my stitches every morning.  Yes, I'm one dumb addict.  Your point?  Well, take it and flick yours.

But it's all good, because I can finally see the upper half of my belly.  Like, hello, other half of the body I need to kick into shape.  And I assume when I can actually feel my boobies again, I won't be knocking over drinks at every table I sit at.  Yep.  Worth it.

Worth, even, taking the fifteen hundred pills I had to take five times a day.  By the time I got done stuffing them down my gullet, I was so full I didn't need to eat, like, actual food.  Nah.  Just existed on drugs and blood-tainted office coffee.  Yummy.

Comments

[Adam]

to get a cochlear implant AND new boobs in one month, you're a superwoman! they should have just done both at the same time and saved themselves some anesthesia.

hmm, now that's an interesting business opportunity...

[erin]

i second adam!

[melissa]

wow! i cant imagine all the painkillers you must be on right now, ha ;-)

lucky you! i'm def getting mine done as soon as im done with having kids enjoy your tatas!

[Keri]

congrats! not to worry, i *will* check out your chest when i see you! ;) let me know when you are coming to Vermont so i can put it in my calendar. need a ride from the airport to goddard or from the train station or anything? will be happy to transport you anywhere you need to be transported. if nothing, then let's make a coffee/tea date! ;)

[Lady V]

What? No more "OOGA BOOGA"??? You've reduced those puppies' bark to a whimper! Well...they do say silence is good for the soul... ;-)

[queenalpo]

@adam and erin: nah. Just supercrazy. :-D

@Lady V: Silence my ass.

[Lady V]

*mooning*

[Hilary]

Trust me, I'll look when I see them... I did when one friend told me she'd gotten implants and when two other friends got reductions. :)

[shilpa]

the boobie-bra pix... your foto skills just went up several notches!