Love thy boobs. Or butcher 'em. Up to you.

I want to chop off my ta-tas.

There, I said it.  I sat in front of my screen for a few minutes wondering how else to say it, but that's what I kept coming back to: Chop them off.  I want to.

I don't think it matters why, because of a wonderful phenomenon I've discovered called MY PREROGATIVE, so let's just leave it at this: I hate my boobs, and I want them gone.  Well, partially gone, anyway. *ahem*

I've had them since I was 10, so, trust me... after 18 years I'm pretty sure any sort of self-acceptance would have come by now.  Especially since 10 of those years were spent intimately with someone who never said anything but gorgeous things about them. 

I've been talking about doing something about it for about five years now, but this year seems to be the year of action for me, so I went and scheduled a consultation with a doctor who's a family friend.

When I mentioned to a (wise and well-meaning) friend last week that I had an appointment with a plastic surgeon on Monday, I was a teeny little bit irritated when she started saying some mumbo jumbo and "searching for happiness on the outside when I'll only ever find it on the inside," and "this is the way the Goddess made you..."  and "Honey, there's something for that already.  It's called a BRA."  Dude.  I know.  And I love you for telling me this. 

Do I think carving up my body is gonna make me happy?  Har har.  Do I think carving myself up is gonna make me like my boobs better? OHMIGOD, YES.  Give me the knife right now, I'll do it myself.

For a min, though, what my friend said to me made me think a bit harder about my desire to go under the knife... and serendipitous timing stepped in with the discovery of this site (NSFW) on "normal non-sexualized breasts," whatever that means. 

Basically, it's a gallery of collected photos of random women's breasts -- none porny or modelesque, but all gorgeous in their own way.  I fell in love with the commentary underneath each picture -- they made me feel so human.  A couple of my faves:

The man-influenced: Age 30. "I've never been comfortable with my breasts - negative comments from men have made me very uncomfortable naked. I like having small boobs though, my friends with big boobs get constant staring/comments from men on the street!"

The media-influenced:  "When I was younger, I was very self conscious. I even went to a plastic surgeon (who end up making me feel worse about my appearance, but I opted not to have corrective surgery). Every boyfriend I have had has been very supportive and loving (in reference to my breasts). I have found in my personal experience that men are just as concerned with their imperfections as we are with our own and they know that REAL women's breast are not what is shown on TV, movies, etc."

The self-assured: "I'm eighteen and have never been pregnant, but I come fully equipped with real flesh-and-blood breasts - my right is larger than my left, I have one inverted nipple, visible veins, stretchmarks from rapid adolescent development, even light downy fuzz covering the entire breasts. Whatever. I love them. They don't belong to men, they don't belong to society: they belong to me."

I really, really, wanted to join in that last woman's club and just not care.  But you know what?  I do.  I'm tired of getting attention for my boobs instead of what's on top of them.  I'm tired of not being able to run or jump because it hurts too damn much.  I'm tired of accidentally spilling things on tables 'cause I forget how far their reach is.  I'm tired of having to strap myself into contraptions lest they fall out and/or make an accidental peek-a-boo appearance. 

All that aside, I'd like to be the kind of woman who doesn't have to spend time thinking about her body or the way she looks, because there's too fuckin' much out there in this world that's way more important.  I'd like to be able to take my sexiness for granted without second-guessing it because of the way I feel about my breasts.

A couple nights ago at the gym while I was on the treadmill, I glanced up into the mirror and nearly ran out screaming "EARTHQUAKE!!"  There was this woman behind me on an elliptical bouncing around at top speed.  Or, rather, her boobs were.  And I swear they were chanting a siren song specifically for me. 

Ooga booga ooga.  Ooga booga ooga.  Ooga booga ooga. 

I couldn't stop staring at her, and I felt so bad about my roving eyes that I had to slam the stop button and leave the room early.  The scary part?  I'm bigger than her, boob-wise.

Then I felt like crap.  'Cause you know what?  As long as I find myself judging my own boobs, I'm always going to be judging other people's chests as well.  And that's a shitty thing to realize.

So on Monday morning, I schlepped myself down to the doctor's office and got measured and poked and squeezed and prodded like a piece of prime grade A meat.  He picked one up in his hand and said, "Wow, these are heavy!"  Um.  Thanks?  Or... sowwy?  Ha?

Turns out I do have just enough tissue for insurance to cover it... he said he'd have to lipo my "side breasts" to get enough, but it'd do.  (Holy fuck, side breasts?!)

And now I find myself at a crossroads.

Either way, I've promised myself that within a year, I will never, EVER, think the words "ooga booga ooga" again when I see a set of breasts.

Comments

[M]

Been there, done that, loved it.

Recovery's kinda a bitch but still worth it.

Email me if you have questions or any insurance problems. I'll tell you all the magic words to say to get it covered!

[Tavian]

I feel you-
As M says- recovery's a bitch but worth it in the end- totally.
Anything I can do to support you- I'm there.

[Keri]

go for it! i'm anti-plastic-surgery but when it comes to big boobs, it's not for vanity reasons. you need your sanity back! and to be able to run after Leah when she starts sneaking out of the house. ;)

[Carrie]

This goes way beyond "plastic surgery" in the strictest sense of the word. Why wouldn't you do something to take care of yourself medically? How is this different from, say Lasik surgery?

You go, girl. Let me know if we can bring you a nice cuppa of soup. xo

[Lara]

I also sympathyze with you love :) Although my boobs are pretty normal as size goes (what is normal? hmm...) I loved them much more when they were smaller. And if they got any bigger I would be wicked pissed. So, if you don't like 'em, i see no problem with wanting to chop them off. I can feed you ice cream while you recover :)

[erin]

did the plastic surgeon really say "wow, these are heavy?" I wouldn't even know what to say to that.

you're honest, and I can appreciate that. 2 members of my family had reductions & boy are they happy! My aunt told me about the time when she walked into Victoria Secret -- she told the sales person she wants a bra that doesn't have underwire or push ups. and she swears that they looked at her like she was insane.

[KT]

done that and it's totally worth it. You will feel SO much better-- not just physically but emotionally. And you can actually wear shirts now without worrying if they're going to fit over the ooga boogas. :-D

[Suzy]

Love reading your blog entries!!! :) I haven't been able to post comments because apparently I can't do that on my pager.. so finally on my computer...

I had the surgery 2 years ago.. WORTH IT!!! I feel so much better, my back hurts less and clothes fit better!!! I don't consider it cosmetic surgery...

[Jennifer]

Hey there
I had mine done 3 years ago, went from a DD to a nice C, my god it was so nice not to have everyone always staring at my chest. Plus your clothes will fit you better. But be forewarned, the pain is BAD. I woke up and my heart was POUNDING. You can read about my experience at my blog by going to March 2006,
You will have some scarring but its a small price to pay. Finally my nipples face outwards instead of downwards ;) I have never ever regretted it. If you have any questions, let me know
Take care
-DC

[queenalpo]

The reaction to this blog has been just amazing. Who knew big boobs were such an epidemic?!

And thanks for all the support!