Top 5 Reasons to hate VPing

I've blogged elsewhere, years ago, about hating VPs, but this week my hatred has been compounded to the nth. 

I've gotten VP requests every single day of this week.  It's only freakin' Wednesday.  Goddess, take me now.   

And since I own one of the dinosaurs of the VP world, the VP100, this means major headaches for me.  It's prone to shutting off mid-call, to blurry images to the point I gotta stick a finger up in the air, telling my caller to shut up until the pixels smooth themselves out, and is just generally a major broomstick up my ass.

I put in a request yesterday to be upgraded to a VP200 even though everyone with a VP100 is technically supposed to be on some magical upgrade list somewhere already.  From what I hear, the rep I contacted can be slow in responding.  And I'm too brokeass to buy myself a nifty VPAD+, which I hear good things about, ooh la la.  So it looks like I'm gonna be stuck with this for a while.

I know it's the "new deaf thing" to do, to call each other up and finally get to chat to your hearts' content without needing to type everything out.  But you know what?  I'm a freakin' good typist.  Me know spelling and big words and how to use commas, yes, me good.  So to hell with it.

I've used up my VP tolerance quota for the year.  No more VP calls for me.  You wanna see my face?  Make an appointment with my secretary and let's have coffee.  In person. 

Don't live near me? Too fucking bad.

Without further ado, my Top 5 Reasons to hate VPs -- feel free to add your own:

5. Requires that you look halfway decent.  Which, for me, means I need to put a bra on.  But if I can angle the camera right, pants not necessary.  But, dang, to have to get dressed just to confirm that you're getting together this weekend?  PAIN IN THE ASS, HELLO?  And if I'm talking to someone I need to impress, well, shit.  Pull out the curlers and the lipstick.  This is gonna take a while.

4. Takes too much time.  See above.  And, ummm?  I know we're all excited that VRS is faster than text-based relay services, and it feels like a step closer in terms of access to telecommunications... But  9/10 times, an e-mail or IM will do, okay?  Work with me, people.

3. Not misanthrope-friendly.  If you're like me, you prefer to keep small talk to a minimum.  And duuuude... small talk seems to be all that exists out there in VP-land.  "Hi, how are you?  What's new? Tell me a story." La la la... gag me with a spoon and make me look stupid.  I was practically accused of being a bobblehead on Monday night just 'cause I was nodding endlessly and not saying much, even though my chat buddy really was being entertaining.  Well, ex-squeeze me.  I never thought I'd need to know how to sit in a room alone front of a TV and wax poetic.  Sue me.

2. Requires a totally different kind of eloquence. I'm a writer. You know what that means? I don't talk.  So take that, marinate on it, and sit on it.

1. Causes self-consciousness. Isn't it enough that I need to worry about camera angle, lighting, and whether or not my VP will let me stay the hell online?  Evidently not.  I need to worry about the way I sit, the way I sign, and to concentrate on seeming at least a little bit ummm... interesting.  And, hello?  I would like to reserve the right to lie my ass off, just like I do on IMs.  But since my face is apparently transparent, I'm robbed of that civil right.  Where's the march on the Capitol when you need it?  Plus, body language is totally up for interpretation.  Case in point: I was leaning over to pet Colin and looked up to see my friend squinting at me.

"What?"

"Are you TRYING to show me your boobs?!"

Comments

[shilpa]

*grins*

good to know that you've learned from the master, me, to thicken your "not my problem" attitude. way to go, Alli! ((fist in air))

anyways- wanna VP soon?

[Rob]

6. ASL is not a two-dimensional language.
7. Inability to multitask.

[queenalpo]

I knew I loved you deeply the minute I met you, Rob.

@Shilpa: you better run.

[DC]

Me too. I am so sick of the disappointed looks I get when I admit I don't even have mine even set up. Suddenly I am not deaf enough. I get these looks like 'whats wrong with you, dont you WANT talk to your Deaf friends on VP!?!'
-DC

[Josh]

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, Alli!! You (and Rob) have very succinctly stated my feelings on why I don't VP much. Plus:

8. Intrusive as heck!

[Keri]

you and me both.

oh, one more thing to hate about VPs: my kid tries makes an ass of himself or shows ass (potty-training). an-fucking-noying.

[Hilary]

Yeah, I rarely use my VP... it got a lot of use with my last boyfriend cuz it was long distance... so that was worth it, but otherwise... yeah, please text or IM me. :)

We should catch up. in person.

[Tavian]

Amen, especially to #5, 3, and 1. Turns into an all day affair and so hard to make a polite exit i.e. oh, someone's at the door...
Thank you for articulating what the rest of us have secretly harbored for so long.

[Dav.IDIN.DET.roit]

Hey, do any of my DC friends want to VP?

[sazzy]

I don't really like to VP much either, I much prefer the text-relay on the internet. However, I've grown to LOOOOOVE VCO on the VP!!! I flick on the VP, order pizza using VCO, and I'm done within 30 secs! However, it can get annoying that it has to be the TV i have to use. Just a few days ago, I discovered I can use HOVRS VCO on iChat on the mac! It'll work with any computer as long as you have a webcam. Now this is awesome so I can just use the video phone anywhere in my home!

Also, if you want to "vp" with a deafie without using an operator, use skype on the computer. It's all the new rage right now.