Blessings are your own creation.

Today, a friend of mine pointed me to the internet, where I found this month-old random photo of me and L'il Red in our backseat on a road trip.

I'm so glad I received this today instead of last week.  Last week I was scared about the future, angry at myself, worried about money and some other trivial things, and generally not in a good place.  Then I went to the ashram and bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, everything was all better.

Yeah, right.  As if.

But going back to the ashram did give me a chance to run away from life for a minute and spend time with my thoughts (or lack thereof) and realize that I was the creator of my own Planet Freakout. 

I saw other people with problems worse than my own -- one of the monks-in-training up there was once a crack sniper with the Israeli army and came to yoga after he realized killing people had destroyed his own soul.  Another guy I met had serious emotional, health, social, and communication problems, and was on the verge of declaring bankruptcy.  He wandered around the ashram, grunting and seeking connection with somebody, anybody.

Thursday night, just before I debating whether to even bother with the ashram trip, a dear friend of mine who is also into yoga paged me, asking for a VP chat just to touch base. 

Her water bill and electricity bill had gone unpaid and she owed so much in taxes she couldn't afford to pay her own rent.  This didn't happen to her because she's financially stupid, I promise -- it happened because she chose to get involved with some people who took advantage of her kind heart, and now she was dealing with the consequences. 

But of course it was hard for her to see it that modestly -- she's an adult, why can't she take care of herself in even the most basic way?

I see it as an absolute blessing that she reached out to me. 

One, I felt so honored that someone felt I was worth talking to about her problems.  Two, she humbled me for worrying so much about my own -- my issues were all temporary, as hers are.  It was easy for me to see her problems that way and for her to see mine that way as well.  And three, it reminded me that simultaneously I was just a small part of the huge sea of humanity, I was my own person who didn't deserve to be this emotionally beat up.

And so off to the ashram I went.  Instead of being preoccupied with the specific intro-to-yoga program the DeafYoga Foundation set up like I was back in July, I spent most of the time thinking about why I should even bother to enjoy my own life.  

I had another precious one-on-one meeting with Lila.  I spent time watching the first-timers in our group, smiling as they acclimated to the strangeness of the ashram experience.  I connected with other people who were on similar journeys, figuring out just how much value to assign to worldly things and spiritual things.  I ate vegetarian Indian food that had been grown on the ashram and prayed over before it was served buffet-style.  I saw an extremely pregnant yogini do a shoulderstand, her blooming belly somehow hanging onto the vine of her spine, instead of drooping to the ground like a ripe pumpkin.  I roadtripped with a perky yogini, seat-bouncing to Fergie's "G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S."

I came home physically sore and emotionally exhausted but less negative.  It was as if my soul had been constipated for the last few months and only this weekend had I decided to have a high colonic.  As if on cue, upon arriving home I spent several hours going back and forth as my bowels emptied themselves.

TMI?

Too bad.  We all have poopers we have to deal with sometimes.

Lesson learned.  Healing effects received. 

And now instead of looking at that picture and seeing someone who really needs to work on her parenting skills, I see a precious little girl who fully deserves that kiss her mother's giving her.

I wouldn't trade that shift in perception for anything in the world.

Comments

[Lara]

It is quite amazing how yoga unblocks everything, both physically and mentally. ;) I am SO jealous of you for going on weekend retreats BTW

[shilpa]

*smiles*

i ((love)) this blog... and again, that Kodak moment is way too precious. trust me, when i have enough money saved up and when i'm brave enough, i'll join you on another road trip to "your" ashram. you've got me curious, woman.

i can do a shoulder stand, but not the head stand, mind you.